I am sitting here eating yogurt with a plastic knife. A freaking knife. I don't know why I can't ever remember to bring a spoon with me to work. There is usually one lone spoon in the silverware drawer in the break room but I went to pull it out this afternoon and it was gone. Not one single spoon, just a handful of cheap plastic knives leftover from some staff appreciation thing.

I look around me before every bite to make sure no one will sneak up on me licking the thick Greek yogurt from both sides of the blade--judging me for eating publicly while fat. I imagine the looks will be a little less judgey when they see it's yogurt and not a vat of mayonnaise (because in my mind, all the judgey people think fat people eat mayonnaise right out of the jar).

I never really talk openly about being fat. Maybe subconsciously I think if I don't say that word no one will notice it applies to me. There are so many ways to describe someone who is fat--overweight, big-boned, husky, plump, curvy, solid, round, chunky, rollie-pollie, weeble-wobble, whale, etc., etc. It all means the same thing, just with different levels of politeness, avoidance, or mean spiritedness.

FAT- such a short, simple word. Seeing it in print it's hard to believe it can be so damaging. Yet that word is hidden inside so many sideways glances, loaded comments, and cropped photographs. It's in'You have such a pretty face', 'That color is so slimming.', and 'I can order you a salad.' It is in the eyes of the woman who quickly turns her head away in the locker room or the girl in the boutique who shows you where the jewelry is while your less fat friends try on clothes, and it is in your own eyes that stare back at you from the bathroom mirror. It pushes itself into the group photo where you are strategically placed to block you from the neck down, and the vacation photos that don't include you because you insist on taking them to avoid it being caught on camera.

Some days you are determined to share a companionable existence with it and other days you daydream about soaking in a bath where all of your skin is covered in warm sudsy water and it is a distant memory.

When it comes down to it, it is just a word. A single syllable that has no power unless you allow it. It shouldn't stop you from doing things you enjoy. It might slow you down a bit, but then you just have more time to enjoy the scenery. And maybe it's just time to get a bigger bath.

 

 

 

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