In a ridiculous attempt to be a supportive spouse, I agreed to follow a Keto-ish diet. It was a foolish move. Diets are not something at which I excel. Say the word ‘diet’ and I cringe. I get a bad taste in my mouth—the taste of all the healthy foods I’ll have to endure. I won’t explain ketosis to you because I don’t really understand it or particularly care. All I know is that I can’t have sugar and I can’t have grains. Those are my two favorite foods.

I think whoever invented this diet gets paid under the table by the meat industry and the artificial sweetener people. It is very meat heavy, and since you can’t have sugar, all the recipes that are adapted to fit the Keto plan have sweeteners, with main ingredients you can’t pronounce. I don’t like artificial sweeteners. I recoil when my husband puts Splenda or Truvia or whatever in his coffee every morning. I would rather go without. I refer to it as ‘death dust’. About the only thing I partake of that is sweetened with chemicals is Diet Dr. Pepper. Weird, I know.

I can only imagine what it’s like to detox from things like meth or heroin, but when I do imagine it, I imagine it is like day 5 of a keto-ish diet for someone who subsists primarily on carbohydrates. Yesterday was the absolute worst. I was jittery and antsy. All I could think about was bread. I couldn’t stop watching The Great British Baking Show or the Bon Appetit Youtube videos. I scoured Pinterest for recipes—starting with high-protein, low-carb and ending with all-carb, no-protein (unless you count the peanut butter buckeye balls recipe I pinned).

I video chatted with my mom hoping to get some sympathy and encouragement. Instead she decided it would be a good idea to give me a video tour of all the yummy, sugar-laden food she has stashed around her house. She keeps a significant portion in her “hiding place” on the bottom shelf of the pantry. I’m convinced she puts it there because my dad has bad knees and it is next to impossible for him to get down that low to see it. I got to see that stash, along with forbidden-to-me foods that she had in her fridge, freezer, and miscellaneous cupboards. Let’s just say, it’s a very good thing she lives hundreds of miles away from me.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, it’s been less than a week, use some self-control. And I say, shut the hell up. (That’s the detox rage.) People who quit smoking can use nicotine patches or nicotine gum to curb their cravings. Even opioid addicts have methadone.** There’s no carbohydrate or sugar patch. Can someone please get on this? If Willy Wonka could make a gum that allowed you to have a three-course dinner without eating any of the stuff I can’t currently have, (minus the Violet Beauregarde blueberry incident) than some scientist now should be able to make a freaking carb patch.

We will see how this “diet” progresses. I expect I may have to modify it so I am not completely depriving myself of what I love. I would like to remain a little sane, and while I would love to lose weight, I’m okay with a some extra pounds if I can find a balance of happy and healthy.

**Drug and alcohol addiction, as well as mental health disorders, affect millions of Americans. If you or someone you love are facing mental and/or substance use disorders, you can contact the SAMHSA hotline 24/7 at 1-800-662-HELP. This is a free treatment referral and information hotline.

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