I often browse the local Craigslist to look for items or to put items up for sale. Last week, I was looking through the community section where people post classes, events and rideshare information. I clicked on the lost and found section just in case I had lost something and didn't know about it. (Highly unlikely, but I was bored.)

My boredom was quickly banished by the following found ad. I think I could be friends with the author of this ad. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Chris of 10,000 Songs- I found your iPod!!! ((UI Campus))

Date: 2010-12-23, 9:49AM PST
Reply to: comm-pcck7-2127033729@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Hey, Chris of 10,000 Songs – sorry it’s taken me a week+ to get around posting about your Ipod. I found it lying on the ground on the UI campus during Dead Week, stuck it in my book bag, and totally forgot about it until after Finals.

I’d really like to return this impressive musical compilation to you (10,000+ songs! That must be like 30 days of nonstop listening!) but, I’m going to need your help:

First, I removed the protective cover to check for identifying marks; tattoos, birthmarks, dental records, dry cleaning tags, anything (a name or email address would have been handy) and what did I find? A ton of identifying marks! Only, none helpful. Your Ipod must lead an interesting life – what does it do in its spare time? Bar fights? Death-defying leaps from moving vehicles at high speeds? Stunt doubles as an auxiliary Ninja throwing projectile? Self-mutilation? And now, it has run away to join the circus! I am amazed. How does an Ipod get so many dents, nicks and scratches? Good job on the protective cover, btw. You might want to consider a leash for this bad boy, too!

Next, I poked around a little on the drive. That’s how I found out your name is Chris, and that you have Ten Thousand songs. Gee, I thought I had a lot of music, but I am totally humbled. What are you? A part-time DJ? Long-haul truck driver? College student with unlimited resources? But then, that last is any oxymoron. So I suppose someone like RIAA, ASCAP, the FBI, would like to talk to you about your downloading practices– but, don’t worry, my friend, I won’t tell. By the way, would those naked photos be of you – or your girlfriend? (Just kidding Chris’s Mom, there are no photos, naked or otherwise).

Finally, as a last resort, I am posting a Lost and Found notice. To prevent all the Psuedo-Chris, Anti-Chris, and other sneaky Chris Wanna-bees from stepping up and claiming your Ipod and its b*ttload of titles, however, you will need to provide some specific information so I can be sure that you are you.

These possible details about your Ipod could include:
Description: (Well officer, it was Ipodish, in a general kind of way) – or not.
Memory size: (Let’s see, 10,000 songs, it must be at least …..) – insert lucky guess.
Serial #: (Does anyone know the serial# of their Ipod – I mean really!)
Protective Covering: (Material? Color? Brand?) – Hmmm. Getting better.
Playlists: (“On-the-Go”, “Purchased”, “Workout”) – Rigggghhhht. Let’s try something only you would know.
Songs: (Well, there are at least 10,000 possibilities….) – insert another lucky guess.

As there doesn’t seem to be any single foolproof criteria, we will have to shoot for a combination, here’s what I propose:

Simply tell me: the day you lost it, describe the color and material of Protective covering (bonus points if you remember the brand), the name of a personalized playlist or two, along with a complete list of all 10,000 songs and I’ll be happy to make arrangements to get your Ipod back to you!

(Just kidding about the song list – 1 or 2 thousand titles should be fine. ☺)

As an added criteria you should probably consider a short essay, 250 words or less, explaining the artistic, social, or other redeeming value of “metalcore”. While I totally appreciate the depth and variety of your collection overall (Black Keys – thumbs up!), as I was researching I sampled a few tracks of the various “artists” with whom I was unfamiliar, such as I Killed the Prom Queen, It Dies Today, Lamb of God, etc. After I finished screaming “Make it stop! Make it stop!” and throwing your Ipod repeatedly against the wall (Oh – maybe that’s where all the nicks and dents a coming from!) I went and stuck a pencil in my eye. On purpose.

To save you from similar discomfort, and to protect your Ipod from future damage, I took the initiative to delete all the “metalcore” titles for you and replaced them with “The Carpenter’s Greatest Hits”, “The Essential Barry Manilow”, and, as an added bonus, the extended play version of “Macarena”. (OK, jk again – but seriously what is that sh*t?)

I’m about to leave for the holiday break, but, if you respond with the correct info, I’ll make arrangements to get your Ipod back to you. Of course, if you’re really lucky, you’ll get a new one as a present and then this one can be a backup.

Merry Christmas!

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