Top 10 Reasons I Need A New Job

10.  I would rather be doing laundry and cleaning the underside of my stove hood than doing my work.

9.   Payroll needs to start taking Metamucil so I get paid more regularly.

8.   I have to set an alarm on my phone to remind me to blink.

7.   I've begun to keep TWO of my favorite pencils sharpened at all times.

6.   I call people I haven't spoken to in years, and don't really like, to avoid doing my work.

5.   I'm almost positive the smell I keep getting a whiff of is part of my brain decaying.

4.   I talked to the marketing guy from AT&T for 45 minutes the other day and now I think my cell phone carrier might drop me.

3.   There is dust on my bookshelf.  (The one that actually holds books I want to read.)

2.   The people at the bookstore call me the "Crazy Pencil Lady" and it's not bothering me anymore.

And the No. 1 reason I need a new job:


1.  I keep getting pop-ups on my computer for gay porn because I fact checked an article on Hillcrest in San Diego. (Don't type Black Beach into Google—you may regret it. Or not.)