I have insomnia. There is a reason that word is so close to mania and it's not because of Latin roots. It can drive you a little mad. One night last week, I was so frustrated I sat in my closet and cried for a bit before I got back in bed. All of us have trouble sleeping now and again, but I'm moving into my fourth week of sleeplessness. I am getting 15 minutes here and 10 minutes there, but I'm not getting the REM sleep I need to help me wake up refreshed. It's making me very crabby, and a bit whiny.

I just want an hour. One full hour of blissful rest. I want to lay my head on a pillow and be asleep before I count to 1,000 and then stay asleep for a continuous sixty minutes. That's not too much to ask.

I wish I had the kind of insomnia that prompted me to be productive. I remember my mom being up at all hours of the night wiping down kitchen counters or mopping floors. I don't have the motivation to do those things during the day, so I know it's a stretch to expect it in the dead of night.

It's funny how things sound different late at night when everyone is asleep and you are beyond tired. My husband made a comment early in the day yesterday about not leaving the front room window open at night, and all night long, I swore I heard the shades being pushed aside so a dozen delinquents could come in. To do what, I do not know. There's not much to steal, but I did make a batch of chocolate chip cookies last night, and my cookies earlier in the day, so they could have been after those.

I also heard two car alarms, sirens, the creaking of my daughter's iron bed frame, my youngest mumbling in her sleep, and an inconsolable infant in an apartment nearby. If it wasn't as totally creepy as it sounds as I type it, I would have knocked on their door and told themto sleep while I took care of the baby, since I was going to be up anyway.

No need to give me advice and tell me about sleep hygiene (this doesn't mean brushing your teeth in bed, as I first assumed), or offer up your favorite sleep aid, or tell me how your second cousin twice removed always keeps a bulb of garlic under her pillow to help her sleep. I've heard it, and tried it all--expect the garlic, that's just gross-- all to no avail. I know it may be stress induced, but until I inherit a large sum of money and get to go on a vacation to a cabin by the sea with no phone and no internet service, I'm going to have to try some more chamomile tea, meditation and medication.

How did you sleep last night? You know what? Don't tell me. I really don't want to hear about your restful slumber. You suck.

 

Photo credit: headline photo- Starry Night 1 by Sonny Abesamis

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